i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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