When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
