Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
