she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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