I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You need a sexual gate keeper
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
