Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
