she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
