I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
