Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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