You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
