One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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