then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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