So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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