Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
