He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
