my phone needs a breathalizer
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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