We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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