She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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