I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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