I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
