Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
