It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
