Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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