So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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