Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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