i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
