Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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