I cannot find my penis.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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