I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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