I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
