I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
