ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
