nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
God, I missed his penis.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
