you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
