I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
