think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
