i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
