Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
