youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
