Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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