but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
