im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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