you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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