I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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