if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
