Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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