And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
