dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
