Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
even my farts smell like vagina
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
