Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
